10 Things I Want People to Know About Remaining Childless After Infertility
Most little girls love to play with baby dolls. I played with plastic horses.
Most little girls dream of how many kids they’ll have when they grow up; what their names will be. I dreamed of having my own ranch out west where I couldn’t see my neighbors.
Being an avid fantasy and fiction reader, this sounds like a trope I gravitate towards - “she’s not like other girls”.
And yet, 1 in 6 people worldwide struggle with infertility and becoming a parent. So the irony is…I am like A LOT of other girls.
But let me back up.
As I said, growing up I never wanted to be a mom. It was never something I felt called to, and being around kids always made me really uncomfortable. I never babysat; I dog sat. I cherished my peace and quiet with a good book and loved being able to pick up and go whenever I wanted.
Even when I met my husband my sophomore year of college, I was upfront and honest about the fact that I did not see kids in my future. If he wanted to bow out of the relationship because of that, I would understand. He didn’t.
Life churned along during the rest of my twenties as it is wont to do - I graduated college during the Great Recession, found a job (not a career), eventually started a career and moved in with my then-boyfriend (now husband). We got a dog, then another, lived in a 900 square foot rundown apartment on his dad’s farm to save money, then built our dream home. Things were ordinary but satisfying as far as we were concerned.
When I turned 30 everything changed. The biological clock I thought either didn’t exist or was irreparably broken started ticking. Ok, not so much a tick as a bullhorn.
Needless to say we started trying; we didn’t think it would take long. All of our siblings have three children each and had no issues conceiving or staying pregnant. In addition, we knew of no one in our immediate families that had trouble either.
After a year of trying with no success, we got our first ever positive pregnancy test in August of 2020. To be honest I was terrified. I guess I naively assumed that since we had been trying so long without success, that it would just never happen. I also naively thought that since it HAD happened, that at the end of the next nine months I would be holding our baby in my arms.
At 9.5 weeks I began bleeding. After a visit to the emergency room, we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat. After an emergency D&C and normal necropsy results, we were diagnosed with “unexplained female infertility”. What followed was eight months of me trying to figure out what had happened and why my body had failed me…failed us.
Fast forward six years. During which time we had two more miscarriages, failed IUI and failed IVF. Our infertility clinic did more extensive testing which revealed male factor infertility, low AMH and poor egg quality. By this time my husband and I were 38 and 36 respectively; the odds of having our own biological child were definitely not in our favor, and we had never felt called to adopt, foster, or go the egg/sperm donation route. We had come to a major crossroads in our lives.
From the time we first started trying we had struggled for eight years. By the end we were tapped out in every way a human being can be - physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, spiritually.
After six months of major soul-searching, consistent therapy and self-guided research, we made the agonizing decision to end our fertility journey and remain childless-not-by-choice.
When inevitably the question of “do you have kids?” came up and we replied no, what followed was a barrage of toxic positivity: “oh it’ll happen, just don’t stress about it”. Or my personal favorite, “Your time will come. Don’t give up. Have faith”.
However, if ever we expressed our decision to remain childless, we were told it simply wasn’t one. We’d then get the: how could you just stop trying? You’re still young, you have plenty of time left. Have you ever considered adoption?
The choice we made was simply not seen as a choice at all.
So back to my initial prompt for this article - what do I want people to know about deciding to remain childless after infertility?
I made a list of 10 things I think are most important based on my lived experience and in speaking with hundreds of other couples who have also made this choice.
The main thing I want people to know is that ending a journey to parenthood without kids IS in fact a choice, and can be a very valid one.
But for those keeping track, here is my list:
1. I want people to know it’s probably one of the most difficult decisions we’ve ever made in our lives and in our marriage. It breaks your heart into a million tiny pieces. It can change your relationships (for better or worse) with your partner as well as your support system. It triggers symptoms of anxiety, shifts how you view yourself, but also brings a sense of immense relief and closure.
2. I want people to know there’s no acceptable timeframe to make this decision. The decision is yours and your partner’s alone and it doesn’t have to happen overnight. But it also doesn’t have to take a long time - it’s on your terms at the speed you’re comfortable with.
3. And that information helps, but it depends a lot on the source. Sourced studies are great and you can ask Dr. Google all you want. But my recommendation: seek and actually talk to people who have made this decision before you and ask them how they did it and what they learned along the way.
4. Seek knowledgeable professionals.
This doesn’t have to be a licensed therapist or counselor recommended by your fertility clinic. Again, find someone who has actually been in the trenches of infertility and decided to remain childless afterwards. This may be a therapist or counselor or it may be a coach. Those with experience in childless grief can prove invaluable in helping you work through your loss and start to see how you can move forward.
5. This is actually a new chapter. It doesn’t mean “taking what’s left” or resigning yourself to fate. In fact, it often means the exact opposite - it allows you to embark on a new chapter where you can once again focus on the things that bring you joy. Where you’re no longer burdened by the chaos that a TTC journey can bring, and feel as though you can breathe again.
6. Communication is key. Whether it’s communicating with yourself, your partner, your doctor, therapist, coach…you need to be honest about your needs and how you’re feeling at every stage in the process. Don’t assume someone knows what you’re thinking. Having open dialogue about your needs and any anxiety that is coming up for you are critical to the healing process.
7. There will still be grief. Ending your journey to parenthood isn’t like waving a magic wand where you’ll never feel sad again. No one can “have it all”. Grief, especially fertility grief, ebbs and flows. Some days are better than others just like with everything else. Don’t expect a stark “before and after” just because you’ve cemented your decision and spoke the words into the universe.
8. You have to redefine your values and what family looks like to you. Start focusing on value work and projection exercises. This looks like rediscovering what means the most to you outside of the bubble of potential parenthood. Maybe it’s travel, maybe it’s picking up a new hobby or rediscovering an old one, volunteering, etc. From there you can then project (in great detail) what your life will/can look like if you start focusing on the things that serve you and bring you joy.
9. This decision isn’t about being rational. Decision making in and of itself isn’t a rational skill. You can do all the research in the world and write out a list of pros and cons a mile long, but at the end of the day, sometimes it just has to feel right. And that, my friends, takes time.
10. There is a good life to be lived on the other side. While there’s no set blueprint or “one size fits all” for deciding to remain childless after infertility, I want you to know it’s also not a death sentence. My husband and I have no regrets about our decision. In fact, we look back on it now with relief and compassion. We’ve forgiven ourselves for things that didn’t really need forgiving, and also made peace with the fact that we made the right call for our situation.
Ending a fertility journey without children can oftentimes be a lonelier, more confusing place than even going through infertility. There aren’t many people out there who are talking openly about it, or professionals willing to help you navigate it. Once you’ve walked out that door of your infertility clinic without a baby in your arms, without a photo to add to their “wall of success”, you’re seen as “other” in the eyes of the medical community and possibly even within your circle of friends and family.
If you take nothing else from this article, know that you are not alone. Know that there is a thriving community of those of us who have ended our family building journey without children and we still live fulfilling, joyful lives. Many of us have even invited children back into our lives in ways we never imagined - volunteer or mentorship work, being the best aunt/uncle to our nieces and nephews, teaching etc. Being childless after infertility is not a death sentence. In fact, it can actually be a blessing. Always remember, it is a choice, and just knowing you have the ability to make a choice is often the most empowering part.
And if you ever need someone to talk to who has been through it and loves their life on the other side, I’m just an email or a Zoom call away.
Charlie Dice struggled with infertility for 8 years before she and her husband made the difficult decision to end their journey without earthside children.
Charlie's decision to end her fertility journey was the decision to stop pursuing something that was going to destroy everything still good about her and her family, before it delivered anything worthy. Before it took more than it would give.
The loss of her children is something she'll never forget. But she also loves her life just the way it turned out.
She lives in PA with her husband and her two Bernese Mountain Dogs. She's an avid reader and hosts the Romantasy Fangirls Podcast with her fellow book-obsessed cousin.
If you are contemplating ending your family building journey without parenting, or have made that decision, we invite you to attend our Childless After Fertility and Family Building Challenges Group to connect with others in the community.
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